July 1, 2010

My husband Hugh, night #10, still in critical condition

Ok, tonight is my most draining night. Not sure why. Could be the Atavan I'm now taking? I don't know. I'm taking the lowest possible dose and cutting that in 1/2. Yeah, I'm a lightweight. It totally relaxes me though.

Hugh did not start the weaning process of the breathing machine. He's just not ready for it. I hope maybe tomorrow? Who knows. His fever was up, then down when I left there at 9:00 pm down to 99.8.

An infectious disease doctor did come in to see him. She said she is trying to fight a bacterial infection in his lungs. I know he has pneumonia, so I assumed that was the pneumonia. Whatever. Anyhow, now, she asked me if I know for sure he's allergic to Penicillin. HUH? In my 11 years of marriage this was the first time I had heard of him being allergic. Apparently he said something to them in the trauma unit the first day of his accident before being intubated. I guess the antibiotics they want to use is from the Penicillin family so hell, I don't know.

Hugh was more relaxed today and tonight and not nearly as agitated as yesterday. That brought me some peace. However, when I left the hospital, I was able to step on a step stool, lean over him, and hold his head, and cuddle his face and love on him for a bit. It was very emotional for me and this 10th night was the hardest for me to leave him.

I pray tomorrow he can start the weaning process of the breathing machine.

Each night I leave you, it gets harder and harder. It's not like you are on vacation, and I'm coming home to an empty house without you, because at least with that, I know you'll be home eventually in a few days. It's leaving you, afraid you will wake up and not find me there and this breaks my heart my darling. I don't know when you will be back home. This is the most horrible time for me (during the time I get home from the hospital until I go to bed) and the sleeping pills kick in. Until then, I sit at my computer keeping my mind busy pouring my heart out to you. Sweety, tonight I cried at your bedside and couldn't help it. I try to be strong, so you not hear me. I don't know if you heard me tonight, but I couldn't stop sobbing. Papa was standing behind me, trying to console me. Hugh, I wanted so bad to crawl up in that hospital bed to comfort you, hold you, kiss you goodnight and tell you it was going to be ok. I just wish you were home to do the same for me, I just want you to tell me it's going to be ok, to hold me, to kiss me, and comfort.

Please sweety, hurry and get better, please, please please... I just can't bare this much longer.

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melissakeyesdesign said...

Oh Shelley, when I read your notes to Hugh it breaks my heart but you stand this for as long as it takes. I know you....and you will do what you need to do. Its the furthest thing from fun but you can and you will. Just when you are getting your most tired and frustrated, think about Hugh. He's not giving up even in his most frustrated state. Mom and Papa aren't giving in, greg and I aren't, Kim and Andrea haven't either. We will see this thru...all of us together!!!!!

Anonymous said...

your the best shelley...xoxo andy and lynn HB

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