July 31, 2010

My husband Hugh, Night #40, Critically Injured, Now in Rehab

Saturdays are lazy at the rehab hospital. Not too much goes on in way of therapy, as everyone is gone for the weekend. Today he got in his chair for nearly 3 hours. Being across the street from Memorial Hospital we attempted to go for a little walk to the hospital.

Being the land is on a HILL mind you, was not the easiest task for me. I pushed him all the way over the hospital. The staff at the front desk check in knew me right away, and got a little teary eyed when they saw WHO I had been visiting for nearly a month in that hospital.

We proceeded up to the dreaded 7th floor. This is the CCU/ICU floor. I broke down in the elevator as it was very emotional for me. Reliving that nightmare, however, it was moving too. On the 7th floor there is a receptionist as just anyone cannot go back into CCU/ICU, and she immediately knew who I was. We told her we were there to surprise the CCU/ICU nurses. There were 4 there that recognized Hugh, and Hugh knew 2 of them from the last few days he was semi conscious before he left that floor.

It was very emotional, teary eyed, and just awesome. They were so happy to see Hugh. Not too many people leave that floor alive, and they were so thankful to him for coming back for a "visit". He thanked each one for "saving his life", again, tears flowed.

I took him down to the cafeteria to see where I ate everyday my meals, and we ran into Dr. Leven. Oh, how wonderful that was. Dr. Leven's face just lit up to see one of his patients up and about in a wheelchair already!

We will head back tomorrow for lunch on the patio at Memorial, and later in the week so Hugh can see Patrick. One of the CCU nurses that really hit it off with Hugh the last day Hugh was in CCU.
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Dear Hugh,
I'm tired, this is short. I am so proud of you and you are SKINNY now and lookin' good babe! You went from a 3X down to a 1X and soon to be in an XL. Not the way to lose your weight this diet.

Please hurry and get better. I need you, I want you home! I love you forever darling........
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If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:






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July 30, 2010

My husband Hugh, Night #39, Critically Injured, Now in Rehab

Well, I think the roller coaster might have stopped for a bit! ANOTHER GREAT DAY! Ok, I didn't get up to the hospital until about 2:30, Hugh was napping. He had, get this, already been up in his wheelchair for 2 hours, WHEELED IT BY HIMSELF in the hall. The lidocaine patches seem to help his butt/pelvis along with the new pain meds (Naprosyn) INSTEAD of that crap Norco.

He slept on and off until 4:00 pm, and Papa came by. Hugh got up again in his wheelchair (well, not by himself), but did it for another 2 hours and ate INDIAN FOOD he had been craving. Unfortunately his taste-buds are off, and he only had a few bites (guess who is having Indian food for leftovers) :)

Just all in all a very good day, and I can NOW begin to see a little beam of light down that very long tunnel.

Dear Hugh,

Ohhhh you were so sweet today! You had your shirt on that didn't fit you (you lost so much weight)! I am so anxious for you to get home! I cannot believe how much you are using your bad arm, and before you know it, you will be transferring yourself from bed to wheelchair on your own. You know what this means right??? HOME.

Please hurry sweety and get HOME. Memphis misses you so much. Sam misses you, I miss you, and most of all.....I LOVE YOU FOREVER.............

If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:





July 29, 2010

My husband Hugh, Night #38, Critically Injured, Now in Rehab

Ok, today was a MUCH BETTER DAY!! I met the ambulance who transported Hugh to his orthopedic surgeon's office, along with Hugh's physical therapist (Thank you Stephanie!). Dr. Zinar, who is one of the top surgeons, saw Hugh and said.."I see you are still alive". I just burst into laughter. Then he said, "I heard before your accident you spoke with an American accent". Again, hysterical laughs!!!!!!!! Anyhow, great office, great doctor and wonderful staff (THANK YOU T.G). ;)

Dr. Zinar said, Hugh can put 100% weight bearing on his right arm/shoulder! OH MY GOSH! This means, he can start getting strength and then....... BED TO WHEELCHAIR, WHEELCHAIR TO BED transfers, which means THE SOONER HUGH CAN BE HOME! Can you see how excited I am?

Hugh can start 50% weight bearing on each leg at a time, not sure what this means, but hey, I am happy with the 100% weight bearing on his right arm .. THANK YOU GOD!

I finally took a few hours for myself today. I ran errands went home, had lunch with Samantha, and had a 2 hour nap! Then I went up the the hospital to see Hugh around 3:45 and stayed until 7:30.

I feel good. I am going to work on a new schedule for myself, and Hugh likes this too. I need to do this for myself.
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Dear Hugh,
ONE MORE STEP closer to home sweety!!! ONE MORE STEP! As Melissa said.. no, 10 MORE STEPS! Yay! You zonked out on my at 7:30 once you were put back into bed. You had a long day, but a good day. YOU KEEP FIGHTING and I mean it. I want you home now!

We even talked about dinner tomorrow night. You are craving Indian food, and you will get Indian food darling! I am here to spoil you rotten, and don't you forget it.

Kenny Elmore (the author of One Second) called you and got to speak to you. I even spoke to his lovely wife Wendy. We have A LOT in common. I think she will be a good support for me.

Hurry sweety and get better. I need you, I want you home. Please hurry.... I love you forever...........
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If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:







July 28, 2010

My husband Hugh, Night #37, Critically Injured, Now in Rehab

I'm starting to wear thin, reallllllllly thin. I need some normalcy...schedule or something.

I didn't get up to the hospital until 11:30. Days are pretty busy, filled with speech therapy, occupational therapy, and some very light physical therapy. He is not tolerating his new wheelchair at all. It kills him. The rehab facility doctor is in finally, he was on vacation last week, so he finally saw Hugh today. Ordered new pain meds, thank GOD, and lidocaine patches for his rear end (to help alleviate the pain from his butt and pelvis) when he sits up in his wheelchair.

Tomorrow morning is the appointment to have his staples removed from his back from the orthopedic surgeon. Hugh gets to ride in the ambulance transport. Should be interesting.

I am hoping with the new meds, new sleeping pill, and getting back on a regular schedule with sleep, he'll be up for more physical therapy. I am impatient. I want him home NOW.

Dear Hugh,
I was very impatient today, and you probably could tell. I woke up foggy headed and feeling, well, just crappy, as you know. I just want this to be all over. Just please, hurry and get better. Because I am tired, I am cutting your letter short tonight. I know you understand darling. I need you, I want you home... I love you forever.........
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If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:





July 27, 2010

My husband Hugh, Night #36, Critically Injured, Now in Rehab

Good day today. Hugh is eating, however, only about 1/3 of his meals. That's ok, he says he needs to lose a few pounds anyhow ;)

Not too much in way of physical therapy, as it's a slooooooooooow process. Just getting him up in his wheelchair, and "recliner/Geri" chair is therapy in itself. The PT's are doing arm and leg exercises with him in his chair. Thursday we see the orthopedic surgeon to have his back staples removed (from his last pelvic surgery), and the PT is coming to talk to the orthopedic surgeon about Hugh. Hugh's PT is awesome. If you are reading this Stephanie.. we love you!

Today, Hugh wanted to see his helmet, so I reluctantly brought it in to the hospital. He didn't have any emotions, he just said he felt "detached" and was surprised it wasn't more banged up. I on the other hand, keep it sitting on our table as a centerpiece as a reminder of how lucky I am to have him alive. I can't bear to get rid of it and don't think I ever will.

One more day under our belts, and one more day closer to getting Hugh home. Some doctor said 3 months before he is home, I WILL PROVE HIM WRONG.
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Dear Hugh,
Yep sweety, one more day under our belt and one more day closer to getting you home! I am all alone tonight. Mom had to go home, to get some stuff done, and well, that's ok. Sam is swimming and I want her to have some normalcy in her life, even if we don't.

Memphis misses you. I know you miss him too. I think Saturday will be good for you to have him visit you.

The house is so empty, so horribly lonely, even with company, or my Mom here. I didn't cry on my way home tonight. You will be proud of me.

I did have a moment though. For some reason, as I sat in the parking lot of Walmart getting ready to go get your new eyeglasses (that were destroyed in the accident), I had flashbacks of June 21, and things are coming back to me. I remember the ride in Amanda's car going to the hospital, and looking in the back seat and seeing tears streaming down Samantha's face, of the unknown of what we were about to face when we were rushed to Memorial trauma. I don't remember too much before that or a lot after that.

Anyhow, darling, please hurry and get better. Come home, I need you, I can't bear this! I love you forever............
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If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:



July 26, 2010

My Husband Hugh, night #35. THANK YOU EVERYONE

Tonight's blog post is a bit different. Not about Hugh's progress (well, a little, TODAY WAS ANOTHER GOOD DAY FOR HIM).

Hugh's Bite Nite appeared to be a HUGE success! I was and am overwhelmed by the generosity of the public and the graciousness of the owners of La Strada Restaurant, Marri's Pizza, and Naples Rib Company. Not to mention the hundreds of people that showed up to each location. THANK YOU EVERYONE FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!

I just can't begin to explain my feelings as how grateful I am. Just know I feel like I am in a dream state and still in shock about how generous and how compassionate people are. WHY ME? Why are we so deserving? As my best friend Melissa reminds me. "When you start feeling entitled, then you are not deserving". I will never ever feel deserving.... just blows me away STILL WHY this outpouring of love and support for us is happening. God bless each and everyone of you. I thank you, my family thanks you, and most importantly....HUGH THANKS YOU.

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Dear Hugh,
Oh sweetheart, if only you could have seen the love, support and generosity of the people tonight! ALL FOR YOU SWEETY! ALL FOR YOU! I am so proud of you, and as I promised you. Here is your picture you were so proud of me to share with everyone.



If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:



July 25, 2010

Hughs_Bite_Nite

Thank you Michele for this beautiful video, be sure to see

Life in Los Altos

My husband Hugh, Night #34, Critically Injured, Now in Rehab

Wow, what a roller coaster. Yesterday, not so good. Today, FAB day! He was awake ALL day and never had a nap! He even finally ate some solid foods (and not Ensure). He had visitors (close family and a long time friend). I pushed him in the recliner chair on wheels around the whole building and we even went outside! He got to talk with his Mum and Dad and the whole day was uplifting!

I hope tomorrow is just as good. Tomorrow will get back into rehab and normal Monday through Friday routine.

I am ALREADY thinking when to get him home, and making plans in my mind. I keep saying 2 weeks, but everyone says no way. Well I am going to prove EVERYONE WRONG.

He is not taking anything for pain, can you believe that!!! What a trouper. He is one amazing guy, and my sweet friend Michele said it so eloquently here in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o30Hs-c_PGM
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Dear Hugh,
I am sooooooo proud of you (I am each day, however, today was just a GOOD day). Maybe because I feel so uplifted? I don't know. I am just so lucky to be married to you. Have the best friends and family and live in the best community around. Don't you think? Tomorrow night will be so nice, I only wish you were going to be with us. I am so excited for YOUR *Bite Nite* and will take lots of pictures for you my darling. TONIGHT WAS THE FIRST NIGHT I DIDN'T CRY ON THE WAY HOME from the hospital coming home! You would be so proud of me. I think it's because you literally passed out with exhaustion as I was tucking you in, and cleaning up your room like I do each night I leave you.

Each day does NOT get better for me. I dread coming home (even though Mom is here staying with me), but I have to be honest. It won't be better until you are home with me. I need you, I want you home, please hurry and get better sweetheart. I love you forever.......
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If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:



July 24, 2010

My Husband Hugh. Words From HIM. Night #33

Hugh wants me to share directly from him the following. He says, by what the the community, family and friends are doing is providing a direct lifeline to him by allowing me to be by his side day and night, and thus wanting to survive and continue.

The following is directly from Hugh quote/unquote (I wrote it up at the hospital and copied it here):

"To the community, family and all our friends. These donations, support, love, thoughts and prayers are enabling Shelley to be here day and night when I need her. Without these I don't think I could or can survive without her. If you knew the gratitude I feel, you would only understand how important this is to me. All I can do is lie here and make inadequate thank yous that will never truly cover what this means to me. One thing this has taught me, is to step back to reevaluate my life and what is really important such as family and friends".

This is all Hugh said, as he got very emotional, and was crying while he was trying to say what he wanted to say. Let me just tell you, this has forever changed him, and he is so very grateful for everything EVERYONE is doing for us. He told me he would and will give up if it wasn't for me being by his side. By your continued support, love, donations and prayers, we are managing. God Bless You All.
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If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:



The following is from Lisa Ramelow owner of La Strada Restaurant:
The Worst Day of My Life was.....
Jan. 2, 1991 (the day before)

....January 3, 1991.

I remember every painful minute, every second. But I also remember the kindnesses: my sister Teresa helping me walk the most difficult 10 feet of my life, my friend Angie nursing my infant daughter during the funeral.

I'm sure you all have a "worst day of your life" too.



Hugh and Shelley


June 21, 2010 was the worst day of Shelley Brice-Boyle's life. On that day, her husband Hugh was in a serious motorcycle accident. He has remarkably survived, but the situation has seriously compromised the family's financial situation, not to mention causing emotional havoc as well.

On Monday, July 26, 2010, you can help. Dine at any of the following restaurants: Marri's Pizza, Naples Rib Company, or at my restaurant, La Strada. 20% of all the proceeds from that day's sales will be donated to Shelley and her family. At La Strada we will be offering complimentary bruschetta to all who attend.

Can't afford to eat out? That's OK. Just come for the bruschetta, meet Shelley and offer words of comfort and support, even if you don't know her.

Our lives can change in a moment. Hers did. Let's help.

You can also keep updated at her blog here:

http://sweetcherryvintagelingerie.blogspot.com/

On a lighter note: How often is the answer to the following question a resounding YES....
"You mean if I drink more wine I am helping somebody??"
YES!!!

See you Monday....:)

xoxoxox Lisa

July 23, 2010

Hugh's Remembering........

Before I forget, I wanted to write about what Hugh remembered. He keeps telling me he remembers being in a deep dark icy place that he can't escape from. So cold, he feels like he was in a bowel of a ship, underwater. He cannot escape and it's like he is trapped in an "icy hell" as what he describes.

He also remembers being in tunnel that went on forever and ever, trying to escape.

My analysis:
I can only think, the "icy hell" was when he was covered for days and days under the ice blanket to help his fever. My heart breaks thinking he was laying there feeling this, in his coma.

As for the tunnel, well, you figure that one out............

My Husband Hugh, Night #32 Critically Injured, Now in Rehab

Hugh's xray was negative (from the fall out of bed). Thank God. He was up in a wheelchair for 30 minutes, however, it's not good size for him. The rehab is ordering him a new chair for his size!! YAY!

I was taught some leg exercises for him today for over the weekend. Apparantly "rehab" is closed on the weekends.

He isn't eating again. Food is unappetizing to him. Even me offering him something from anywhere, and he won't eat. He is drinking Ensure's though. Oh well. One fight at a time.

This weekend should be long one since not much rehab goes on. I am going to have to be patient and somehow pass the time for him.

Dear Hugh,
Today was the first day you got frustrated. Not with me, but with your condition. My heart was breaking for you. It hurts me so much to see you like this. You are finally showing some emotion that you have had pent up in you since you came out of your induced coma.

Mom, Tyler and Sam are all here tonight. I feel good about not being alone in this empty house without you.

I am also soooooooooooooooo uplifted for Hugh's Bite Nite on Monday night! The Long Beach Press Telegram and NBC news have interest in it!

Well, once again, here I sit, brokenhearted. Missing you so much. Each day I think is going to get easier, however, it is not. Please hurry and get better, I need you home, I want you home, I love you forever.......

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If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:



July 22, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #31 Critically Injured, Now in Rehab

Received a call at 12:30 am last night from Hugh's rehab facility that he had fell out of bed. Yes, you heard that right. I am still to this minute unglued about this. I won't go into details, but he slid down somehow on his air mattress, past the rails, and fell on his left side. His pelvis was re-xrayed today, and have yet got the results, it had better be negative or someone will pay big time. Hugh says he has no pain, which is a good thing.

Hugh was in out out of bed today for xray, in his recliner etc., so that basically was his "physical therapy" for the day, because he was too damned tired to do anything else.

Tomorrow game plan is, to get him up in a wheelchair! The rehab facilitator who is a complete gem, ordered a special cushion to sit on, because of his broken pelvis, he needs it. I just LOVE the rehab people of this facility.

He didn't eat much today, because they over medicated him on his Norco, yes, again, you read that right. He only wanted 1/2 of one pill, they gave him two. It makes his stomach sick and he is dead all day and can't cope. He will hopefully be more clear headed in the morning to be sure he only gets 1/2 of the pill. DAMMIT, if I am not there to be his advocate, it's like all hell breaks loose. I should NOT have to worry about this.
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Dear Hugh,
Honey, I am just so proud of you. You tried your hardest to keep your chin up today even though you were so heavily doped up on Norco. Damn nurses. Anyhow, tomorrow will be a better day! I thought having you in this journey (in rehab) would be easier for me. It's not. In fact, it's emotionally harder. Leaving you behind each night just takes a toll on me. I cry the whole way home, having to leave you defenseless, lying there. It just breaks my heart darling.

You will be so proud of me. I drove through the "intersection" today, and faced up to walking to the local businesses and handing out Hugh's Bite Nite fliers around. Crossing the crosswalk where you got hit I broke down crying, but I did it. Not sure if I can go back again, but I did it! I saw the skid marks, and the accident replays over and over in my head, just imaging what happened to you and I have to stop thinking. It is a horrible dream that makes me wither with sickness in the pit of my stomach.

I just can't bear this much more. I keep telling myself each day will get better, but to be honest Hugh, it is not. Maybe I'm good at fooling others, but I'm not fooling myself. It hurts deep, and I think I need to talk to someone about this soon.

I need you, I want you home, I miss you and I love you forever... please hurry sweetheart and get better............
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If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:



July 21, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #30 Critically Injured, Now in Rehab

Another great day. Hugh is starting to eat (other then drinking Ensure's). He ate 1/2 his breakfast, 1/4 of his lunch, and most his dinner. Drinking LOTS of fluids which is great.

As for pain, he has little! Just trying to find a comfortable position continually is hard. He is hot all the time too. His moods are pretty good, considering what he's going through.

Saw his new rehab doctor, and just went over the pain meds and things like that. They are reducing the amount as they were wiping him out so bad.

He still isn't up for visitors. I was there from 8 am until 2:30 pm. Then tonight from 5:30 to 7:00 pm. Samantha came with me. She decorated his wall with all the lovely cards and pictures we are getting.

As I left he said, well, one more day behind us! He has a good attitude. It made me happy. But was so bittersweet waving bye to him as I closed his door, I lost it again. Thankfully Samantha saw that and knew just the right words to ease me out of another sobbing cry.
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Dear Hugh,
Again, I am so proud of you, you did so good today sweetheart.

I just can't bear the thought of you not home at night. It breaks my heart knowing you are there lying in that bed alone. No Memphis, not me by your side. Just you lying there alone. It's terribly heartbreaking for me and upsetting. I just hope you sleep all night and not think these same thoughts I do. When is this ending sweetheart? When will you back with me? I can't do this much longer, or I can't feel like I can do this. I know I have to, and I will though. For you. As Lily your incredible treatment told me today, "You always knew you loved him, you just never knew how much".

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If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:



July 20, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #29 now in rehab

GREAT DAY! I am so much more less agitated and upset then yesterday. Hugh had a decent night according to him. I got there at 9:30 this morning, and he had a bit of physical therapy by sitting on the edge of the bed.

At 2:00 they got him up in a recliner chair, and we got to push him around the facility, see the floor, and GO OUTSIDE ON HIS PATIO! Where he snoozed for 30 minutes in the cool shady breeze. This did wonders for him.

The Norco is wiping him out. He is going to try to take 1 instead of 2. He wants to sleep all the time. He isn't eating, and won't eat. However, he is drinking Ensures, juices, milk and water. The nurse is also ordering multi vitamins etc.

I will meet with his "new" doctor that will see him here at this facility at 8:00 am in the morning.

I feel really good about everything. Today was a great day and I know it may not be like this tomorrow. But I'll take it!

AND THE ICING ON THE CAKE!!!!!!! Drum rolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll... I can bring MEMPHIS to see him tonight! They allow small pets to visit their loved ones, and this is all Hugh talks about to see his baby boy! So as soon as I finish writing this, I'm off with Memphis to the rehab. This should be an experience.

The only "bummer" today was a call from the disability insurance we paid into through his work. They will pay Hugh about $100 a month. WTF! Because Hugh is getting state disability is why. Ok, so WTF are we paying for short/long term private disability if they are going to pay so little! This doesn't make any sense to me. I am calling Hugh's human resource tomorrow, I just don't get it. All this money wasted all these years to only be paid out about $100 a month!?! :(
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Dear Hugh,
I am soooooo proud of you! You did so well today. I can't wait to finish this letter to you so you can see your baby boy! You are so excited and so am I. Should be very interesting, however, I hope it raises your spirits. I just hope it's not sad for you when we leave. Honey, we are on a new journey and I hope each day gets better. I feel good about things today. I hope it's like this tomorrow. Please hurry and get better, I need you, I want you home, I love you forever.......
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If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:



Hugh's Bite Nite!

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_xyibATJlTzE/TEXmkvRIkTI/AAAAAAAAAEw/rKQC2Mw23h0/s1600/HUGH1+copy.jpg

July 19, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Moved to Rehab 1 Month Later After Being in Hospital Day #28

4 Weeks later, here we are. Hugh moved to rehab. Quite the ordeal. I was not happy with the first day already. I will be patient. I will not blow up. Let's just say, it's nothing like being in the hospital.

Already, the charge nurse screwed up the his ONLY MEDS HE IS ON, which is pain pills. I asked this nurse before I left if she gave him his Norco (the pain meds) and she says "Oh, it was Tylenol". Ok.. breathe. I scream inside my head, "WHAT THE %$#@". I looked at her, and said, "WHY DID YOU GIVE HIM TYLENOL"? She says "Well, his pain was only a 4". I said, "did you SEE his chart what he needs to take"? She says, "No". I say, "ok, LET'S GO LOOK". "She says "Oh, I see it's Norco". I need to call the Dr. for clearance. INSIDE MY HEAD I say again.."WHAT THE %$#@" . I burst into tears. First night and they cannot even get ONE MEDICATION RIGHT.

I'm pissed, I'm mad, I just want Hugh home. I'm tired, I want this to be behind me.
F....M....L.. YOU figure it out.

I know it will BE OK. I know this will take some adjusting to. I know this will pass, some day. Not anytime soon though.

I will be there in the morning EARLY to be on board with things. They don't know what will hit them if they screw up again on something so simple. I let them off easy this first time, not the next though. I plan on meeting the doctor and more of the rehab team tomorrow. I want a journal of his activities and I will demand I get one.
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Dear Hugh,
I couldn't bear leaving you tonight. I felt guilty and sad. You looked at me and told me what the hell was I thinking feeling this way. That I shouldn't feel guilty and to go home and get some rest. You gave me that "look" and then you said you loved me and we will get through this. I worry as you lay there, thinking the nurse call button might fall down. You might be cold, you might be in pain. I want to call you, but I am afraid to wake you. I don't know what to do. I just pray you have a peaceful, somewhat pain free night. I just want you home Hugh. Please hurry, have the strong will to get better fast my darling. I love you forever.....
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If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:



Don't Tell Me...
Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for this task, apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers that can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment of the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer, don't tell me how to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see,
But I need you, I need your love, unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry, and say,
"My friend, I really do care."

FML

July 18, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #27 In Hospital

T0morrow will be ONE MONTH since the worst day of my life happened. Hugh is extremely agitated and rightly so. Very depressed and not feeling good. He doesn't want visitors and this makes me sad. He just sleeps and sleeps. Won't eat, but is drinking Ensure's. He is supposed to be transferred to his rehab tomorrow!?! I'm just not ready for this. Maybe this change will do him good. I'm so afraid he won't be comfortable in the bed etc.

I just got home from the hospital and this is all of my blog post.

Dear Hugh,
I am so frustrated that I cannot do anything to make this go away. Maybe it's the Mother in me wanting to protect. You cannot get comfortable, you are so sad, and I feel like you are giving up a bit. I keep telling you I am here for you and I am NOT giving up on YOU so you don't give up on me or yourself sweetheart.
I need you so bad, I want you home. Please hurry and get better. This pain is something I don't think I can bear much longer, but somehow I do. I love you forever....
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If you are so inclined to help with Hugh's medical expenses and our mounting bills, you can donate to us by clicking the yellow donate button:



July 17, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #26 In Hospital

I came home from the hospital to attempt to go to Millikan's 30th reunion for the class of 80. I just can't bring myself to get ready. I'm exhausted more mentally and causing me physical exhaustion. I know my friends will understand. Hugh had an exhausting day. He called me at 3:30 am in the morning, and didn't realize the time. He had fallen asleep last night (at around 6:00 pm) so poor darling was a bit off schedule, and still is. I left the hospital tonight at 6:00 and he was sleeping peacefully.

He had physical therapy today, but getting him up on the side of bed, exercising his legs and arms. A couple of hours later, a team of 4 nurses came in and moved him up in his therapy recliner. He was able to withstand 1 1/2 hours.

He is not eating. He will drink Ensure though. He only had 2 today.

Monday appears to be the big day. He will be transferred to the rehab center.
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Dear Hugh,
Today was emotional for us. You started remembering parts of you being in CCU/ICU. You first recalled someone telling you, "Mr. Boyle, you are OK, you are OK". Then you remembered being in an icy hell for days, and trapped like at the bottom of a dark ice cold sea. You broke down crying and said you never want to go back there again. I told you I think that is when you were in your coma, and you had the ice blankets over you for your high fevers. This broke my heart knowing you felt this. You also asked more about the accident.

Sweetheart, I was supposed to go to Millikan's 30th reunion tonight, but I could not bear the thought of going and facing all the questions, and just so emotionally exhausted right now, leading to physically exhausted. Melissa texted me that she understands and she loves us.

I miss you so much, I broke down again on my way home from the hospital just thinking about being in the house again alone. I am glad my Mom is staying the night again with me. Sam is home, but I want her to have a normal life, so I am allowing her to go out with Tyler and have fun. It's what she should be doing.

I need you, I want you home..I love you sweetheart. Please hurry and get better.

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July 16, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #25 In Hospital

I came home at 6:30 am this morning to sleep, until 10:30. I was "rushed" into going touring some skilled nursing facilities by Memorial's discharge unit. I wasn't too happy about this, and not accepting of it mentally. I was pissed. Anyhow, then after much reflection, I know they wanted to do this so I was the one to choose which rehab facility Hugh will go into and I am so happy I did.

I toured three of them, and was disgusted by the first one. I was in tears and felt hopeless. Thank God my Mom was with me, she got me through this horrible task. We proceeded to the next two, and with each one it got better. I have decided on one, and I have to keep telling myself, this is SHORT TERM and not life long.

For privacy reasons, please don't ask me where or which ones I liked or not like. I chose the one I saw fit for Hugh and am going with it on gut instinct, and some recommendations. Remember, also I have to choose one that my insurance permits as well. DAMN THIS AMERICAN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM. How dare they dictate treatment. Don't get me started.

I went back to the hospital after this long daunting day to see my sweetheart. He was so cute. He called me while I was in the last rehab facility arranging the paperwork. He told me he is not sure if he would still be "up" when I came back to the hospital. Well much to my surprise, bless his heart, he had been sitting UP in a recliner OUT OF BED for nearly TWO WHOLE HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Praise God!

He was so tuckered out at 6:00 pm, he was ready to go to sleep. He told me to go home, rest, and get a good night's sleep and that is just what I intend to do.

Dear Hugh,
I am so proud of you. You trust my judgment on your aftercare. The doctors are AMAZED you are already ready for rehab. EVERYONE IS AMAZED. This shows YOUR true will at wanting to get better and at home with me darling.

This is going to be a longgggggggggggggggggggg road ahead of us with rehab, but the sooner you can be up and about, the sooner you can be home and then have out patient rehab. I just want you home! I need you, I miss you, I love you so much........
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July 15, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #24 In Hospital

Another HUGE step forward today. I'm home right now, to shower, nap and spend the night at the hospital again. He did WONDERFUL with me last night, and had no psychotic episodes. He will have the Haldol (anti psychotic drug) again and me there, hopefully he will sleep peacefully. \

They are already checking into where they will transfer him for his rehabilitation. I will be going tomorrow (if I am told by the case manager) what our insurance covers to "look" at these places. He doesn't qualify for Memorial hospital's acute rehab because he is "low level" meaning he can't withstand 2 to 3 hours of hard physical rehab at this time as most his body (both legs and 1 arm) are non-weight-bearing. I HATE THE THOUGHT of him being in a "nursing home". I'm struggling with now that I cannot handle him physically and get him to out patient therapy. That would be ideal. I am not a hospital, I don't have a medical bed, medical chair, wheelchair, van, or the strength to lift him. Things are starting to slap me in the face with reality.
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Dear Hugh,
I'm so tired, mentally and physically. It's going to be a long road, but it's ok. We are in this together. I will be by your side tonight in your room spending the night and every step of the way. You are in complete understanding that you will be in a skilled nursing facility (nursing home) for awhile UNTIL you can be home. I can tell you now, I am going to work HARD at your rehab to get you home, I can't stand the thought of you in a nursing home.

Sweety, right now, just focus on YOU getting better. I'll be ok with things. I need you, I want you home, I love you....


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July 14, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #23 In Hospital

This is short. I am home early 6:30 pm to get my belongings as I have to spend the night with Hugh in his room. His has very severe night psychotic episodes and one of his Dr.'s ordered an anti psychotic drug for him. I am hoping that mixed with the comfort of me staying with him tonight will ease him out of this state.

They are talking about getting him moved to a rehab facility, and where, who knows. Today was the first time Hugh slept for 2 hours straight, and that was only because I was in the room.

Dear Hugh,
This is the shortest letter to you as I have to rush out of here to be back with you. I will be with you all night darling. I hope this brings you some peace and comfort without any delusional psychosis stuff. I love you so much, and I pray this will give you what you need.....
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July 13, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #22 In Hospital

Hugh pulled out his PICC-LINE last night in the middle of the night, it took them 3 times today to get it back in place. He doesn't remember doing it. Bless his heart. He felt better today, and that's probably because he didn't have all his meds (4 different antibiotics) running through his veins) until they got the PICC line put back in. His confusion seems to be getting better! I am happy about this.

I had a complete meltdown last night and it took me a while to get going this morning. I didn't get to the hospital until 11:00 or so :( I missed out on his physical therapy but was there when they started OT (occupational therapy). They practiced with him dialing my cell phone number and he got it right one time! I was so tickled.

Dr. Warden one of Hugh's orthopedic doctors (who actually treats Samantha for her hip problems) is Hugh's newest doctor. He told me that Hugh's fibula is broken (that we knew of already) and major trauma to the tendons, joints and soft tissue (he used words I didn't understand). He needs surgery, but is going to wait 2 months for the fibula to heal as the "stuff" to reconstruct his leg/knee will hook on to the fibula, so this needs to heal first. I totally trust Dr. Warden, he's one of the best around.

Dr. Levin, the respiratory doctor said his recent "sniff test" was conclusive that Hugh has a paralyzed diaphragm and well, basically, people can live somewhat normal lives with one diaphragm. Alrighty then, whatever this means!

We have be SO BLESSED with the top of the line doctors, from the trauma team to the ortho docs, respiratory doc, and infectious disease doctor. ALL are heads of their departments. SOMEONE is looking after us.
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Dear Hugh,

I am so proud of you. You are just amazing the doctors with your progress! You are so strong and you have that will to get better. I caught you even practicing your little leg exercises and arm exercises! I left you tonight to have dinner which was the first time in over 3 weeks I have been out (other then the yard-sale fundraiser 3 weeks ago).

I went to La Strada (who is also the ones that donated the pizzas to the yard-sale AND is donating a portion of their profits to your "Hugh's Bite Nite" on July 26. I can't wait for you to meet Lisa Ramelow, (the owner). She is so gracious and one of the most beautifully spirited and generous people I've ever met. I even got to reunite with Bonnie Lowenthal and she is so gracious, and asked how you were doing, and how Samantha was doing with all this. What a lady!

Anyhow, I was with my Angels, Kim, Melissa, Andrea and Greg was there too! It was Kim's birthday so we decided to take her to
La Strada to celebrate. She is spending the night with me too. I just love her. I sure needed this, even for the 2.5 hours away, it did me good. I was totally relaxed, we laughed, and joked, and had a beautiful time.

Deep down, I missed you and kept looking at the time and couldn't wait to get back to you. When I did, you were being moved position, and settling in. You konked out on me as you have hardly any sleep in the past week.

I am anxious to get another peaceful sleep (the Atavan worked well for this last night) and will try to get up earlier to be with you sweety.

I need you, I want you, I miss you, and most of all, I love you with all my heart.....the pain away is killing me sweety.
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July 12, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #21 In Hospital

Today Hugh suffered from what I feel are just major withdrawals still. Hot cold hot cold, nausea, just crappy feeling overall, however, not a whole lot of pain it seems. Anyhow, he hardly will eat, so they got him some anti-nausea meds. He is soooooo confused yet, but Dr. Jones the trauma doctor assures me this is normal. Then the head trauma nurse Bethany (who has been in close contact with me) told me today that they will do a some sort of neuro exam on him. I'm glad of this. When? Who knows.

A team of 3 guys (physical therapists) came in this morning and did physical therapy on him for about 15 minutes. They actually manipulated him sitting up (can you imagine this with a broken pelvis!?) on the edge of the bed (all 3 doing the work for him). Gave him motion exercises to do while laying there with his arms and feet. It's basically wiggling things that he can, but hey, it's a start. I was over the moon when they told me they will start occupational therapy as well on him tomorrow. I am so bothered by the fact that he cannot even press the buttons on the controls that it makes me almost physically nauseated with worry.

Had lots of visitors today, he was just not feeling well enough to see them. They all understood. Thank you everyone.
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Hugh,
Here I sit, just my heart breaking while I know you are laying there suffering and not a damn thing I can do about it. I told you my heart is broken and you keep telling me we'll get through this. You are so strong, yet so confused. You look at me for reassurance when the nurses are trying to ask you questions you just don't understand. DAMMIT WHY DON'T THEY KNOW YOU ARE CONFUSED yet I do. I'm so frustrated.

I have to tell you sweety, I'm so exhausted, both physically and mentally. I had to leave an hour early so I can be sure to take an Atavan (I forgot last night) and sleep properly. I had a nightmare last night that prevented me from falling back to sleep. :(

I need you, I miss you, I love you... I just want you home and well so bad it hurts to even type these words as tears well up, and that damn lump thing in my throat....please hurry honey and get better, I just don't know how much I can bear....
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July 11, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #20. OUT of CCU, In Ortho Ward

I cannot believe tomorrow, will be 3 WEEKS since the worst day of our lives happened. HUGE MILESTONE TODAY. He is officially moved into his room on the orthopedic floor and OUT of ICU/CCU. I'm bittersweet about this. He's not getting the 1 on 1 care like he got in CCU, and it's 5 to 1 care now. Meaning 5 patients to 1 nurse. He cannot even push the buttons on the controls, how the hell is he going to call the nurse if he needs her. I was rest assured they check on each patient hourly, regardless. Well, you know how that goes. I'm being Debbie Downer right now, but until I know he's not so confused, and has his fine motor skills back, I won't be able to relax.

He is now on Norco by mouth. His nurse said IF that doesn't help with the pain, she will call the doctor. Ok, so, he's been on Fentanyl for 3 weeks, and BAM, take him off it, and not slowly weened him like I thought they were going to. Maybe they did, but he is having what I think are bad withdrawals. He is hot, cold, hot, cold, other unmentionable symptoms.

I am just so very unsettled, I know this will pass with time, until I know he gets his motor skills back. Remember, he is relying 100% on the nurses to have a BM, pain control, comfort control, too cold or too hot, as he is 100% immobilized except for his left arm, which is about 75% out of whack, and no motor skills. THINK OF IT AS HAVING WHOLE BODY PARALYSIS, BUT HAVING ONLY ABOUT 25% USE OF ONLY YOUR LEFT ARM. :( I know, you are probably thinking, "Shelley, get a grip, he's alive, he's out of CCU" but the damn reality of it is, HE IS LIVING THIS NIGHTMARE and you are not. Can you tell I'm upset? I think I'm finally cracking a bit. I don't know.

Dear Hugh,
I am rejoicing that you are OUT of CCU, but was soooooooooo scared to leave you tonight, as you are at the mercy of your nurses for 100% of everything. You told me you were going to be ok, I know you were just saying that so I wouldn't worry. When I started the crying, your sweet nurse was so nice to me and hugged me. I saw the worry in your face and I'm sorry I worried you. Honey, it's just I think I'm finally breaking right now, and having a meltdown as I type this. I am going to take an Atavan to calm me.

Your co-worker Bernie saw you today, and brought us a huge bag of fresh fruit. His whole family came as well, but they couldn't come in because of you being in ICU/CCU at the time. It was a very emotional reunion. Papa, Sam, Mom were there today too. Now that you are in a "normal" room, you'll be able to get regular visitors.

You keep saying that you know I love you, because no one would be by their husband's side like this if they didn't. Thank you Hugh for not doubting my love for you. I will be by your side until the day I die sweetheart.

I hope you have a peaceful, rested, pain free night my darling. I miss you, I need you, I love you. I am hurting sweety and need you to comfort me now.
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July 10, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #19 CCU, Good Day!

Got a phone call about 9:55 am, nurse had Hugh on the phone as I was in the hospital on my way up to his room. He wanted to surprise me with his voice. They removed the breathing machine. I was so happy, as much as that breathing machine is saving his life, I just hate it. He hopefully is free of it until the next surgery (I hope).

He ate lunch and dinner, and surprisingly, ate bites of salad and steamed vegetables (most our close friends know Hugh won't touch a vegetable unless they are peas). He is on a mission to "get healthy" so his body starts healing properly. Bless his heart.

As far as pain goes, they still have him on Fentanyl and raised it as needed. Today was the first real day he struggled with pain and being very uncomfortable. With so many broken bones, it's hard to find a comfortable spot. With a 10 inch incision across his lower back, across his lower tummy as well, a broken pelvis,broken femur, screwed up knee, broken foot/toes, broken humerus arm, dislocated shoulder, broken ribs, broken lower back, he's doing pretty darn well. God love him. He doesn't complain, he's so compliant with the nurses, and just is the sweetest thing ever.

Dear Hugh,
I am sooooooooooo proud of you. You ARE SO AMAZING. The nurses love you and wish all their patients were so nice, kind, and sweet. You saw Melissa, Greg, Sam, Papa, Mom, and myself today. SOOO MANY PHONE CALLS TOO from everyone. I just want to say, how much I love you, and I was so upset leaving you tonight, but felt at peace when I peaked back in your room and you were asleep.

You know, honey, each night I come home, I sob the whole way home knowing I have to come home to no Hugh. I just can't wait for the day, you get to be at home again. Memphis is depressed and chewing his hair out. I don't know what to do. I can't take him to a vet right now. I just pray he'll be OK.

Goodnight my sweetheart, until the morning. I hope you rest well, and have a less painful night and sleep comfortably. I miss you so much the pain is getting unbearable........

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July 9, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night #18 CCU, Surgery Today

Hugh had his surgery on his pelvis today, and did fine. He is intubated again (breathing tube), however I was assured (hopefully) it will be removed tomorrow. As of now, the next plan is to get him stable and Dr. Warden (another orthopedic doctor) will look at his knee during the week and determine if he needs surgery on that or just therapy etc. Because the knee is more "ligament" damage, then bone fractures, this is why this doctor will be called in.

Nothing is being said about him being moved out of ICU/CCU because of Hugh's state of confusion. Dr. Zinar (the ortho surgeon) that when he's ready to be moved (could be later in the week), that it might be on the head trauma floor or orthopedic floor. I think because of Hugh's confusion, coordination with his good hand etc., they want to be sure he has no head/brain trauma/injury. Ok.. here we go. I'm not going to let this freak me out, I think they are just playing caution because of the amount of trauma he had in his accident. I'm good with this.

So, we just take it day by day. Dr. Zinar (the ortho surgeon), told me today (just what Dr. Levin told me yesterday), that Hugh is "remarkable" and is his progress is "remarkable" and that he didn't think Hugh would be here today. This made me realize even more the reality of Hugh's condition almost 3 weeks ago, that he wasn't expected to survive this. I guess maybe I didn't want to know, and didn't ask the question. I know now he WILL survive and it's going to be a LONGGGGGGGGG LONGGGGGGGGGG journey ahead, but one that Hugh and I will go down together.

Hugh,
I am so proud of you. You were awake tonight with that damn breathing tube in and it scared me, however YOU were fine with it. You kept giving me and your nurse (Melissa), the "thumbs up". You were even OK with your good hand tied down, and you understood that it was for your own good as to not pull out the breathing tube. You kept trying to say "I love you" and I could read your lips this. Your arm is back in the sling and you kept touching your heart to then pointing to me, showing you how much you loved me.

I am so happy you allowed a catholic priest come in today and bless you. He wanted to give you communion, however, you couldn't because you couldn't have anything to eat or drink before surgery. You even met with the hospital chaplain intern, who asked you if it's ok if she comes back for you to visit, and you said yes!

I told you I would be back as soon as they let me and we would watch Austin Powers on your portable DVD. I'll bring it, but will see how you feel about watching it.

I pray they take the breathing tube out tomorrow. I pray and hope you have a peaceful, pain free night. I pray you be home with me, and I want you, I need you, and love you forever darling........
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July 8, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night 17, CCU, Back To Stable!

Wow, what a difference a day makes. Hugh had a bronchoscopy today and showed no blood clot under the diaphragm (that is pushed up), however, possible paralysis of the diaphragm. The pulmonary Dr. Levin, will do more testing next week to determine this. It's not life threatening unless BOTH sides are paralyzed, which they are not. Also could be collapsed lung, which I'm confused about, as you would think he would know this. I was so tired and worn out, I am confused now. Hugh did FANTASTIC during the procedure as he had conscious sedation, which zonked him out for the rest of the afternoon and help slept a well needed sleep.

He woke up around 5 pm and was feeling good! NO MORE DELUSIONS/HALLUCINATIONS TODAY THANK GOD! That was scaring the hell out of me and him too. He had roast beef , mashed potatoes, gravy, and strawberry jello which he absolutely loved. He said he used to despise jello and funny enough found a new liking to it. I loved feeding him. His hand to eye coordination is WAY off, and will take time. I can only assume this is from being weak, and no brain function really for those 2 weeks he was in that induced like coma.

Tomorrow is his surgery at noon for his pelvis surgery. I'm scared, but I know he'll be fine. I guess I worry about the pain he'll have. He's on good drugs though. He will remain in ICU/CCU to be sure he is stabilized after the surgery and probably through the weekend. From there, I can only assume if he is still stable, to the orthopedic ward.

Dear Hugh,
I am soooooooooooooooo proud of you! You were so strong today. You just wanted everyone around you. You had Mom, Papa, Samantha, Tyler, Melissa (which you called Greg) and me of course as your visitors. Not all at once, but different times. Not only physically, EVERYONE and I do mean EVERYONE is praying for you, and people we don't even know! I cannot WAIT to tell you what our community has AND is doing for us.

You keep talking about how you are having a second chance at life, and it's sinking in slowly that you almost died. Especially when Dr. Levin told you and me today he didn't think he would be seeing you this far. He said you were doing incredibly well considering what trauma you had. You are a fighter! Your sister was right, you come from "strong stock" as she put it in her email to you.

All day you kept talking about how nice it was to speak to your Mum, Dad and Sister, and can't wait to renew your relationships with them. I am going to make sure you keep that promise Hugh and don't you think I won't forget it either.

Darling, as I write this, I am so calm and relaxed, and just know in my heart that all is going to be OK. I just feel it. We have a new start and a new life journey ahead of us, and this is how I am going to try to start looking at it from now on.

I love you, I need you, I want you home... Please hurry and get better. I love you with all my heart....
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July 7, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night 16, CCU, and Having a Set Back.

Keeping this short as I have had I think the most exhausting day since the first 2 days of his accident.

Hugh's diaphragm is pushed up. Dr. Levin (the head pulmonary doctor) ordered a CT of Hugh's upper body to see why it's pushed up. He will read it in the morning. Dr. Levin told me it could be a paralyzed diaphragm or a blood clot, or something else. If the CT scan shows what it is, he'll know of course. If not, it sounds like he will do a Bronchoscopy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bronchoscopy to further investigate and to clean out his bronchial area. Forgive me, as I am tired and this is how I'm understanding it all.

Hugh is also suffering terribly from delusions from the meds, also known as ICU Psychosis as the nurse said. He is extremely paranoid and expresses to me he is afraid of perhaps dying, and other horrible delusions. He see's a man who is in his image who is trying to take me away, and I have to keep telling him it's a delusion, and this reassures him. If I leave the room, he gets himself in a panic and it breaks my heart. You wouldn't know he is panicking, but I can tell, I can see it in his eyes. This is breaking my heart as I know he is scared. He keeps looking up in the left hand corner of his room and sees this man in his image and it's scaring his so bad. This is hurting me so bad ... I can't stop crying as I write this.

My darling Hugh,
I tried to comfort you so badly today. I never left your side except to grab some lunch and have a bath room break. I want you to know, I love you so much, and you won't lose me. You are so afraid sweetheart, but rest assured, I'm yours forever. I just wanted to crawl up next to you and comfort you so bad. I promise you, I will forever look after you and never let you down. My heart is breaking Hugh, and I need you better to help me. Please sweetheart, I can't bear much more... I love you forever.
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July 6, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night 15, CCU, however STABLE!

Hugh is doing incredible. He passed the "swallow" test and is eating! He ate a few bites of mashed potatoes, gravy, sliced beef, vanilla ice cream, orange juice. Today I sat all day in his room at his side. He is so confused (it's the Fentanyl and somewhat withdrawals). They will slowly wean him onto Morphine I am told. He was seeing prehistoric dinosaurs this afternoon. No kidding, I watched him as he tried to describe them to me, I couldn't help but laugh and he kept wondering why I was laughing.

Hugh is not agitated, however, he gets restless when I'm not in the room. Being an ex-nurse, he seems to very concerned with his treatment for some reason, and is questioning me constantly with worrisome, about what is going to happen to him when I leave the room or gone for periods of time. This breaks my heart.

At 8:30 pm, they wheeled him into for an MRI of his neck, as he's had this neck brace on and can't remove it until they are sure there is nothing broken/hurt in his neck.

It's been an exhausting day for me, and I can only imagine it's going to get worse. He can't feed himself yet, because of his right arm broken, and his left arm is still very wobbly.

They are doing breathing treatments on him to strengthen his lungs. He still has pneumonia, but they are on top of it. His temperature is breaking!!! Only 99.5 today.

His surgery is scheduled for Friday morning for his pelvis. I got to see today his incision on the front part of the pelvis. it's about 12 inches long, just above his groin. So now, they will have to open him up on the back to fix the back of his pelvis. :(
Apparently the left knee with not have surgery (as of now), and will be seen by "sports" medicine, WTH that means.

I am trying mentally to prepare for a long road ahead of me. Right now, though I just want to get through with each day.

Dear Hugh,
Oh sweety, what a great day you had! I got to hear all about your prehistoric dinosaurs in your room. You were tripping big time. It was so funny. You would catch yourself, look at me, and smile. It was so cute. As I write this, I am so worried about you. I know you are probably back in your room from having the neck MRI and probably wondering why I'm not there. I hope your sweet night nurse Kim, reassures you that you are fine, and I know you are in the hospital (apparently last night you kept telling her that I needed to know that you were in hospital). Bless your heart, you were worried about me not knowing if I knew you were in the hospital.

Darling, Papa, Mom, Andrea and Samantha saw you today. So many other people have been up the hospital, but not quite ready yet to see you. They want to see you when you'll remember their visit. Pastor Garry even visited you and you let him say a prayer! He asked you if you wanted communion and you said yes! However he couldn't give it to you because you had not had your "swallow" test yet. He said he'll try to come back on Thursday to give you communion.

I miss you even though I was with you all day. Kim is with me tonight and staying the night with me. I let Samantha spend the night with her friends. I want some normalcy in her life.

I miss you, I love you, I need you....forever yours darling.
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July 5, 2010

My Husband Hugh, Night 14, Critical condition, Excellent News!!!!

Today has been 2 weeks since the accident and today we hit the biggest milestone. Mom and I walked in today to his room and he had no breathing tube in. His nurse knew we were on our way so it was a surprise. Mom and I started sobbing with joy. Hugh was awake and reached out to me with his good arm and I was able to kiss him. We noticed he didn't have his feeding tube in and we were told he removed it himself....oops. The nurse called the doctor and the doctor said to do a swallow test tomorrow to see if he can tolerate swallowing on his own. Apparently he will have his surgery probably later in the week on his pelvis and knee.

I have been crying tears of joy all day long. I am now confident that he is going to be OK. We have a VERY long road ahead, and this I realize. I'll take today and run with it! THANK GOD!
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Dear Hugh,
Darling, as I write this, it's been 2 weeks to the day since I have spoke with you physically. The pain is no longer there in my heart. Today, you even "laughed" a "smile" on your face when I told Greg you took out your feeding tube, almost like you were proud of yourself for doing so! You reached out to me with your good arm, and I got to kiss on you. Do you remember this? I cried, no, sobbed in your face and told you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You just looked at me with those beautiful crystal blue eyes of yours, and reassured me. I could feel it darling.

I told you I would bring the portable DVD player, and some DVD's up and we'll watch a movie together. I didn't realize the nurse was behind me when I whispered in your ear that I would sneak in some chocolate for you, you smiled, and she said "no you won't". That was so funny we all laughed, well, you didn't, you just smiled. You are trying to talk but it comes out really gruff and mumbled.

Samantha thought you were so funny that she got so tickled because you were acting so kind of goofy. It's the good drugs you are on darling.

Ohhh, what a day! It's the best day I've had in a long time. I'm on cloud nine and didn't even have to take but one Atavan this morning.

I can't wait to get up to be at the hospital to spend the day with you. I love you so much it just hurts me so much that I had to leave you. You looked at me when I was crying telling you this saying goodbye, and do you remember this? You said "I understand" then you said "be careful". Well, I think this is what you said.

I love you my darling Hugh.
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July 4, 2010

My husband Hugh, Night #13, Critical Condition GREAT NEWS, Stabilizing!

Hugh breathed on his own ALL DAY. He still is connected to the breathing machine/tube, and they are not removing that until after his surgery this week only because it's too traumatic to remove, put back in for surgery, remove etc. As far as the surgery goes (to finish the pelvis and his knee), I am sure I'll know more tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest.

Fever is 101.5 all day, and night. This doesn't worry me. It has to do with all his broken bones, and pneumonia. They did add/change another antibiotic today as well. They put him back on the Versed (the heavy sedative) because he was VERY agitated all morning and early afternoon. Flailing his good arm, and trying to lift up. This is very hard for me to see. I just cannot imagine what he is thinking, feeling, and must feel "trapped" and just breaks my heart. 

I did feel much more at ease leaving the hospital, and in fact, this is the first night I haven't cried on the way home. As I type this, I am so relaxed.

When my angel Melissa called (like she always does) to check in on me this afternoon, I told her the good news. She started sobbing tears of joy. God bless her, I love her so much.

Anyhow, I'm home, going to make a few calls to my other Angels, and finish this post and will sleep peacefully I'm sure. I even let Samantha spend the night with her girlfriends!
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My sweetheart Hugh,
I'm so proud of you! You breathed all day on your own. I just want those damn tubes out so I can hear your beautiful voice. I keep telling the pretty nurses wait until they hear your English accent. You would be blushing, I know. Anyhow, darling, I have a smile on my face and I got through another dreary, depressing weekend at the hospital. I hate the hospital on the weekends. It's horribly depressing for some reason. 

I can't wait until the day comes when I can start sharing all the wonderful things that my Angels, my friends, my family have done for you, Samantha and me. 

I was in your room tonight, with the BEST view in the whole hospital (the nurses told me your room was the best to see the skyline) to watch the firework over the Queen Mary and downtown Long Beach. I talked to you while you laid there sleeping peacefully and explained each one to you. ALL the ICU nurses came in and gathered behind me while I was sobbing watching the fireworks, and let me cry while we all shared watching them together in your dark room. It was very bittersweet for me. But I would be no other place then be in your room with you sweetheart and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I was invited to go elsewhere, but there was no way in hell I would not watch them without you darling. 

Hugh, my heart is aching, even though I am a little more at peace tonight. My heart aches for you, to be near you, to lay with you, to share with you. Even though you play your computer games most nights, just knowing you are in the next room was enough, then to share our bed. I miss this so much darling. Goodnight my sweetheart, I pray you have a peaceful night as you were when I left you tonight. Please Hugh, hurry up and get better. I need you so much, I love you so much. 
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July 3, 2010

My husband Hugh, night #12, Critical Condition.

Today was a repeat of yesterday. Breathed on his own for 2 hours, but got distressed and and had to stop. Temperature 100 to 101. Hugh had his eyes open more today as they completely took of the Versed (the heavy sedative *amnesia* like medicine). He was very despondent and kept looking off in to "space". I got a few head shakes out of him when I asked him questions, but not as many as I hoped.

Tomorrow, same thing, do the weaning, hopefully it will be longer then 2 hours and now that the Versed will be out of his system for like 24 hours, maybe just maybe he'll be more respondant. Is that a word? I don't know, I don't care.

I had a real crappy day with the "feeling sorry for myself" stuff. Something about the weekends aren't as uplifting as during the week. It was downright depressing day. The hospital lobby even has a certain feel to it that I don't like.

My tummy hurts, thinking stress now. I don't know. I'm so tired. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until all this is over with. I will try to focus on the positives like the little baby steps that are happening towards his recovery, etc. I am SO BLESSED TO HAVE MY ANGELS, MY FRIENDS, AND MY FAMILY and this I know.
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Sweetheart Hugh,
You looked at me with your crystal blue eyes and even tried to say something to me I think. You were very agitated with me I could tell. I tried to comfort you by standing on the step stool, wrapping my arm around your head and looking deep in your eyes. When I start to cry, I look the other way because I don't want you seeing me cry. I need to show you I am OK and strong. 

I cried the whole way home. I cried when I walked into this damn empty house. I called Sam home from Kenna's and she heard me crying and came home instead of spending the night with Kenna and Amanda. She is home now and I feel better.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I just want to keep curled up all day in bed and not face the day. It's the 4th of July tomorrow and I dread not being able to celebrate it with you. I will be by your side darling. I'm not ready to revel in BBQ's and fireworks without you.

dammit.. I feel like I'm spiraling tonight into a deep one sweety. I need to shake this and get a grip as you would say. I keep telling myself I can't face another night of emptiness and somehow it happens. I will go to bed now, I'm too depressed to visit my friends on Twitter and Facebook. They have been keeping me company these late nights. Please Hugh, I want you back so bad. I am so sad and heartbroken and tears are flowing as I write this. Sam just now came in and wrapped her sweet arms around me as she heard me sobbing. I love you, I need you, I want you home... I am not sure I can endure much more. I love you so much.
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July 2, 2010

My husband Hugh, night #11, Critical Condition, but hit a big step!!

What a GREAT day! I always call the nurse the minute I wake up to see how Hugh did during the night. She said nothing eventful during the night, however he had his eyes open most the morning. They were reducing his Versed (the amnesia) meds to arouse him some to see if would be able to handle the weaning process. I couldn't wait to get up to the hospital.

As usual, my morning was soooo filled with tons of phone calls, and busy work at home. Mom picked me up as usual, and we arrived at his room around noon. I walked in and he turned his head and looked straight at me!!! OH MY GOD, I about died. I rushed over and he was very agitated, however he could focus in on me a bit. I got a few shakes of his head (not consistently) when I asked him questions. I learned towards the end he just wanted to be left in peace. I know he didn't want me to to go but he was exhausted, he only wanted me there to hold him, and not make him do commands or shake his head at me. Here is the REALLY GOOD stuff. The nurse told me he had breathed on his own for 2 HOURS earlier that morning! They don't remove the breathing tube to do this, they just turn off the machine or something like that.

His nurse said he would be exhausted from doing that as it's equivalent to say you or me walking jogging 20 miles for the first time without any training etc.

I got to see Dr. Levin, the pulmonary doc. He said their goal is to get those lungs much more healthy so he can have his surgeries next week (finish off his pelvis and the lastest, the left knee). 

He STILL has his fever, today down to 99.9, but when I left tonight, 101.4.

I left tonight as Mom drove me home, like she always does, feeling MUCH MORE AT PEACE, because Hugh was resting and peaceful as they had his Versed back on.

I am even by myself and I'm ok. Sam is with the gang, and that's ok. I want some normalcy in her life even if I don't have it. Of course ALL my angels have contacted me today, and even if they aren't with me physically, they are with my mentally and around my neck on a necklace. Memphis is next to me as I type this, and that is comforting. He misses his Daddy so much :(

Hugh,
Oh sweetheart! What a milestone day for you. I am so proud of you. You breathed on your own for 2 hours. I am so happy and this gives me so much hope. When I walked in your room your icy blue eyes is all I could see and it melted my heart darling. I still know we have a longggggggggggggggggggg way ahead of us, but it's the little baby steps that is going to get us there. I decorated your room today with a posterboard of pictures of all of us. It's not much but at least it will cheer the room up a bit. I tried so hard to cuddle with you tonight, you were so hot, and I was trying to comfort you by cooling your head down with cool clothes. You were sleeping peacefully sweety. 

I tried to get up on the step stool next to your bed and lay across your tummy, but I was afraid I would hurt your broken ribs. I just laid my head down on your sweet hand instead. Don't worry sweetheart about me, I'm doing so good. Everyone is making sure of this. Mom is at my constant side from the minute she picks me up until she drops me off at home. I don't know what I would do without her. 

 I love you, I need you and I miss you so terribly. I want you home so badly that is kills me. I have been playing Queen constantly because that is our favorite band and I find so much comfort from this. Goodnight sweetheart, until tomorrow. 
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July 1, 2010

My husband Hugh, night #10, still in critical condition

Ok, tonight is my most draining night. Not sure why. Could be the Atavan I'm now taking? I don't know. I'm taking the lowest possible dose and cutting that in 1/2. Yeah, I'm a lightweight. It totally relaxes me though.

Hugh did not start the weaning process of the breathing machine. He's just not ready for it. I hope maybe tomorrow? Who knows. His fever was up, then down when I left there at 9:00 pm down to 99.8.

An infectious disease doctor did come in to see him. She said she is trying to fight a bacterial infection in his lungs. I know he has pneumonia, so I assumed that was the pneumonia. Whatever. Anyhow, now, she asked me if I know for sure he's allergic to Penicillin. HUH? In my 11 years of marriage this was the first time I had heard of him being allergic. Apparently he said something to them in the trauma unit the first day of his accident before being intubated. I guess the antibiotics they want to use is from the Penicillin family so hell, I don't know.

Hugh was more relaxed today and tonight and not nearly as agitated as yesterday. That brought me some peace. However, when I left the hospital, I was able to step on a step stool, lean over him, and hold his head, and cuddle his face and love on him for a bit. It was very emotional for me and this 10th night was the hardest for me to leave him.

I pray tomorrow he can start the weaning process of the breathing machine.

Hugh,
Each night I leave you, it gets harder and harder. It's not like you are on vacation, and I'm coming home to an empty house without you, because at least with that, I know you'll be home eventually in a few days. It's leaving you, afraid you will wake up and not find me there and this breaks my heart my darling. I don't know when you will be back home. This is the most horrible time for me (during the time I get home from the hospital until I go to bed) and the sleeping pills kick in. Until then, I sit at my computer keeping my mind busy pouring my heart out to you. Sweety, tonight I cried at your bedside and couldn't help it. I try to be strong, so you not hear me. I don't know if you heard me tonight, but I couldn't stop sobbing. Papa was standing behind me, trying to console me. Hugh, I wanted so bad to crawl up in that hospital bed to comfort you, hold you, kiss you goodnight and tell you it was going to be ok. I just wish you were home to do the same for me, I just want you to tell me it's going to be ok, to hold me, to kiss me, and comfort.


Please sweety, hurry and get better, please, please please... I just can't bare this much longer.

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